The break up!

I saw this comming, but ignored it!

A break up, I saw it comming but prayed that it never would come this far. Is this aswell the reason why I didn't write much in this blog? No, We were busy with adjusting in the new house and trying to write everyday was a hell of a job. There just wasn't time. This is a big Family and we both were taking care of everything and everyone. Yeah, and the break up?

I decided to write a new blog and I would like to invite you to this blog, In the new blog you can see the ins and outs of the break up. The why's  and the how's, BUT most of all it's a blog about how I struggled trough the days after the break up. Don't worry it's not all sadness and tears. Come have a look! 

Here it is the link --->    http://sonniesays.blogspot.com/

"Stubbornness is the strength of the weak."

It's been a while I know. Just didn't what to write.

There is so much going on here, sometimes struggling with the relation, and sometimes having problems with just being myself. Sigh from  me!

Alright here we go...

Well the good news is I'm getting a tan, that must be from all the sunny days here and the walking distance to the beach! I love it! I grab many times my bike and travel around the area. So now and then I take the kids with me. A bit more luggage and responsibillity, but that's alright. The kids love it!

More good news is that the 'ex' brought the divorce papers with him on his last visit here in Barrie. He dropped by and took the kids out a few times before that, he's still stubborn and thinks the world ows him.

Noor is living with her Dad in Hamilton, Canada. Is she happy? I don't know, she said she is and she says she isn't. You really can't place her sometimes. (She can really turn you upside down so now and then) I think her Dad has really a 'grip' on her and commands her.

I always thought that the 'ex' had a plan, a plan to get the kids back with him. Although Saf has full custody over the kids. He just doesn't care.

'The misterious phonecall'

Mar wants to go to Egypth to see her cousins (just like she said last Summer) She is not alowed and still to young to travel. She isn't happy with that and hearing that Noor is going to live with her Dad, perhaps in Egypth doesn't make her happier! "why is 'she' allowed to go there" she says! She knows the reasons why she can't travel to Egypt but still. Sometimes Noora calls the house, and on a late evening  Maryam answered the phone. Maryam just had friends over for a few weeks and they just left. (Mar feels lonely and wants to go to Egypt) Noor can help out.

They talk for a few hours on the phone and Saf gets suspicious "why the long phonecall with Noor"? She decides to listen off the phone. (what she never ever does, but thank God she did this time) She hears tears and sadness from Mar, and in the end Noor decides to take her to Egypt no matter what. Ofcource with help from her 'Father' cause that's the plan.

Their plan is that Noor and her 'Dad' are comming tomorrow and pick up Mar (and perhaps Ab and Tasn) Her 'Dad' is saying that Mar has to find the passports and be ready for tomorrow.  It sounds like a kidnap. Saf hears it all trough the phone and is stunned! Her 'ex' and her own daughter wants to kidnap the kids and leave to Hamilton or Egypt,  he is NUTS! He wont get far, it will be a trauma for the kids.

After the phonecall we stayed up almost all night, making plans and deciding what to do.... sigh, sigh, sigh! We took the passports, laptops and phones to be sure Maryam is not gonna use them. We even called the police for advice, they said 'we can't do a thing before 'he' does something wrong'

The next morning (after a few hours sleep) it was time to bring Dako home to Mississauga, Cle is comming for the ride aswell to visit some friends before she travels to the UK. Saf left early in the morning and left me behind with Ab and Tasn. (this was the plan) So she could be back at 'noon' before the 'ex' (could) arrive. I was kinda nervous ofcource, you never know it with the 'ex', he might show up before 'noon'.

But the day went well and know one showed up, pfffeewww! Later in the evening Saf had a 'karaoke' contest in Mississauga and we brought the rest of the kids with us. We brought them on a safe place with friends, cause 'he' still might show up. Still can't believe that 'he' doesn't think clearly with his 'kidnapping'. What is he thinking? LOL! Stubborn man! Saf is furious at the 'ex' and with her daughter Noor!

How am I under this all? I'm calmer then I was before, when I saw the 'ex' for the first time. Tas and I were sitting in the garden (this was back in 2009) and suddenly 'he' showed up out off knowhere,  "Suprise" I almost frozed in the garden-chair. Tasn runned to her dad, leaving me behind.  After 5 minutes I went inside to alarm the family.

It was my first ever meeting with the ex, from a distance though.

~ If I look confused it's because I'm thinking. ~

Sometimes I am confussed yes...

Then I think, am I the one wrong or is it her? (Saf) Mostly she is the one who's right, but I don't have to be the one who's always wrong, I don't like it when I'm the one wrong. Ooh! she can be so unpredictable and stubborn sometimes. But wait, I can be unpredictable and stubborn aswell, confussing right?

I surfed a few sites and came up with this...

-Talk to her. Next time the two of you have a disagreement or argument, do not give her the silent treatment. No matter how difficult it may be for you, you must let go of your pride and approach her for a genuine conversation. Ignoring her will only make you appear infantile and immature. Moreover, when she asks you if something's wrong, don't give a shrug and say "nothing." The most important factor in any relationship is communication.

Not easy but hey, why not give it a try! I think aswell that 'sometimes' be ignorant after an issue is a good thing. The problem is that after an 'issue' I want to solve things, just to get peace. Sometimes it works and sometimes not at all. I was I was easier and take everything with a grain of salt.

Anyway....

How is life in Barrie?

This question I hear alot from friends, and I always answer, 'life is good in Barrie'. It's like going on vacation and never going back! I love it here and the kids and Sharon do too!

This week we have to say goodbye to Noor, cause she decided to life with her Dad in Hamilton or Egypt. She had planned this already for months. Noor was for a week in Mississauga to see her friends and for babysitting, while we were in Barrie.

Her 'Dad' picked her up after being a week in Mississauga, and they drove both to Barrie to see the rest of the kids. When they arrived I was out with Tasn, cause it was already 5:30 pm (the kids waited for 5/6 hours for there Dad to arrive) I took Tasn out for Subway. Abd had his nap. Mar had her friends over and Cle was out with Mom...

When Tasn and I came back from Subway (with our bikes) her 'Dad' was standing there waiting for us together with Noor. He didn't look at me he had only eyes for Tasn and told her to get in the car. Noor told me they waited for 2 hours, I told her we waited more then 5/6 hours. She went quiet. I putted the bikes in the garage, gave Tasn a hug, closed the garage and went inside, The Dad had a suprise for Maryam when she came outside, an I-pod! She was more then happy with it.

'Expensive gifts doesn't effect me, just being there for your kids is so much more'

After Noor wants to go live with her Dad,  Mar wants to go to Egypth aswell to see her cousins. Her Mom let her, 'only' if a friend is comming with her. She's only thirteen and in our eyes still to young to travel alone, specially to Egypth with her 'Dad'. (We don't know what 'he' is upto) I have mixed feeling about this. I understand why Mar wants to go, but were just worried what might happen to her.

And then next week it's time to say goodbye to Cle. She's going to travel to the UK for a year, (au pair) she's excited to go! She will make new friends and she will learn alot. The 26th of July she's going.

So it might just be that in two weeks it's just me, Saf, Ab and Tasn, that's four people... that will be a difference. In the last two weeks we had so many people over. Yesterday in total we had five people over, plus us that makes twelve! Full house!

Sometimes it's fun to have friends over, but comming from a small family, WOW! That can be overwhelming sometimes. Sometimes loving it, but sometimes, sigh!

I like to move it, move it...we like to..move it!

We arived in Barry safely...

The rain poored down as we fully loaded the U-haul (26 inch) truck that Saturday, the day of the moving. We had some friends to help us out and they did a terrific job! like I said it was a hard job but we maniched, when the truck was loaded we took of to Barrie,to our new house, our new place. When we arived in Barrie (after a long drive) it was still raining but not that hard as in Mississauga, everyone did there own thing whit un-loading."I want every box in the garage, but we need this stuff aswell in the morning, If you take a box out of the truck, don't put it just on the street or just beside you, put it in the garage or in the house. Don't touch my stuff, be carefull with that, I'm TIRED." Just a few  lines we shared trough this day, LOL!

It was already late and dark when the truck was empty, but Saf and Dako decided to go back for the next final load (it ain't that much,we thought) And they  had too go back cause Cle was still at the old house and waiting for us. The other people stayed in the house, exhausted and dead tired. After an hour we went to bed,cause we knew that the truck will be late back. And they were late back,I stayed up with Noor and I think it was 1:30 am. The truck was fully loaded and parked on the park way, waiting to be un-loaded. But we didn't, it was a long day and we were tired and ready for bed! tomorrow another day.

"It's amazing how much stuff we have" I said to Saf. In the morning Saf, me, and Dako un-loaded the second load and drove back to Mississauga to bring back the truck, on our way I bought a Subway meal for them. We visited some friends aswell in Mississsauga and we went for one last time to the old house, to pick up some last stuff. When we were there, the Landlord and his son were there aswell and suprising they were friendly and even helped us with loading some stuff. (Maybe glad that we were finally leaving? hahaha)

This was another exhausting day...

Barrie here we come!

1 more day left then were heading of to Barrie!

We weren't so busy with packing, it seemed everyone was waiting till the last day! Now guess who was done first, LOL! How was it living in a small basement for a month with 7 people and a anoying Landlord? It was okay, so now and then we had our arguess and angry words but that's normal I guess with 7 people in a small area, I think we were  all fed up with the basement and were geting all excited to finally move! 

Ab was alright as always, still so young to understand it all. Tasn was the same as Ab but sometimes she asked why or when we gonna move, and when are we going to see Sam in Barrie. (Saf's old schoolfriend lives in Barrie and her Daughter Sam plays sometimes with Tasn if she comes over) Mar has it hard, cause of her friends. She build up such a good relationship with them, sleepovers and hangouts, even a wedding (LOL!) Mar wants once a month an old friend for a sleep over and we agreed!

Noor is still planning to live with her Dad. The plans are a bit screwed up cause the 'ex' suddenly left to Egypt for bussines, sigh! As soon as he calls Noor, she will come to Egypt or to Hamilton where the 'ex' has his second home in Canada. Cle is traveling to the UK for a year for au-pair, she's excited and she will learn alot. Were excited aswell, the 19th of July she leaves.

Although Cle is excited she is having it hard aswell to leave Mississsauga, she aswell has alot of friends here. This is for her the 4th or 5th move already, the moving from Egypt to Canada was the toughest, Cle has still flashbacks from that. "Everytime we move I have it hard," she told her Mom.

"Let there be spaces in your togetherness."

Again I failed....

Call it lack of experience. I learned being in a relationship isn't all about just love, there is so much more, millions of things! And still there is much to learn, gosh! it sounds like I'm in school...a school for learning how to act in a relationship, Hey! Don't blame me! this is my first ever relationship! LOL!

Am I ready to learn something?  YES!

How to Have a Healthy Relationship!

Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Ask yourself why you aren't happy if you are. Too often, relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames the partner. Your life is solely under your control, with your relationship you have to take the good with the bad. You need to give as well as take.

I agree in that but sometimes you might need a helping hand or a listening ear form your loved one, right?

Make and keep clear agreements. respect the differences between yourself and your partner. Do not expect your partner to agree with you on every issue. If you say you're going to meet your partner for lunch at noon, be on time or call if you absolutely must be late. If you agree to have a monogamous relationship, keep that agreement. Keeping agreements shows respect for yourself and your partner, as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.

let each other free aswell in your appointments, it can happen sometimes that someone is late, you can leave a message or call then. Does she have too? Not always but sometimes it's needed.

Use comunication to establish a common ground to understand different points of vieuw and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan. You can choose to be right or to have a successful relationship. You can't always have both. Many people argue to be "right" about something. They say. "If you loved me, you would..." and argue to hear the other say, "Fine, you're right." 

If you are generally more interested in being right, this approach will not create a healthy relationship. Having a healthy relationship means that, while you have your experience, and your partner has his or her experience, you love and share and learn from those experiences. And if you can't reach any kind of mutual agreement, that doesn't mean either of you are wrong.

Approach your relationship as a learning experience. Each one has important information for you to learn. A true relationship will consist of both partners who need to equally

contribute. Not only is that the only type of relationship that will work out, but it will work out in both of your favor.

Agreed a 1000%!

Tell the unarguable truth. be truthful to yourself and your partner if you want true love. Many people are taught to lie to protect someone's feelings, either their own or their partner's. Lies create disconnection between you and your relationship, even if your partner never finds out about it. For any sort of relationship, to work you need to have trust.

Trust is so important in a relationship, I found that out the hard way, sigh! They say "To be trusted is a greater complement than to be loved."Always tell the truth even though it's hard to do it, maybe it will hurt her, but lying to her will hurt her more in the end.

Forgive one another. Forgiveness is a decision of letting go of the past and focusing on the present. It's about taking control of your current situation. Talk about the issue and try to reach a mutual agreement on how to handle the situation in the future and then commit to it. If you can't reach an agreement, it's a bad sign. If you learn from the past and do not repeat the same pattern, it's a good sign. It's the only way to prevent yourself from more disappointment, anger or resentment. Respect your partner, when your partner tells you to leave them alone, do give him or her the time and space.

Yup! Agreed! I like the line "Talk about the issue and try to reach a mutual agreement on how to handle the situation in the future and then commit to it." Sometimes we don't agree in the agreement, both of us, and then we need to talk and solve it. Sometimes we do that but most of the time not.

Review your expectations. Try to be as clear as you can about any expectations - including acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and attitudes, especially attitudes towards money. Everybody needs love, intimacy, affection, and affirmation.

Be Responsible. Here's a new definition: responsible means having the ability to respond. Respond to the real problem, to your true needs. It does not mean you or your partner are to blame. There is tremendous power in claiming your creation. If you've been snippy to your partner, own up to it and say sorry. You'll be amazed how this works.... 

Sometimes it's hard to say sorry, it sounds so cheap. Cause you want to do more then only say sorry or appoligize!

Appreciate yourself and your partner. In the midst of an argument, it can be difficult to find something to appreciate. Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, and that way when you need to be able to do it during a stressful conversation, it will be easier. One definition of appreciation is to be sensitively aware so you don't have to be sugar-coating anything; so tell your beloved that you love him or her, and that you don't want to argue but to talk and make it better.

I did that, cause that's all I want at that moment then. You feel bad for what you did or what you said.

Admit your mistakes and say sorry. Right after a misunderstanding or argument, tell your partner to give you some time to think of the wrong and right things that you and he/she did. Tell your partner to do the same thing and talk to them after 10-15 min. Tell your partner to give you time to talk and explain to them why you were angry, the wrong things you did, the things they did that you did not like and what you would like them to change. Ask your partner to do the same thing and give them a fair chance to talk and explain also. This will make your relationship stronger and help strengthen the communication between you and your partner.

that's a very good tip!

Spend some quality time together. No matter how busy you two are, there is always an excitement when you do something together, when you share your precious time. Play a sport, eat at a restaurant, or watch your favorite movies together. You will feel the magic of love and connection that you have with each other....

Working on that! I did it in the past aswell, but that didn't work out, cause when you have 5 kids it's kinda busy and they need attention too. After a long time I'm trying to have our time aswell, but not as much as in the past. It's to overwhelming for both of us, once a week something small.

Laugh. Not only is it true that laughter is the best medicine, but it's also true that laughter can make a great relationship. In a tedious relationship, it is hard to communicate with your partner and share humorous feelings. Not only does laughing establish a connection, it can help keep passionate feelings in perspective...

Is it also good when I sometimes make her laugh till she pee's her pants? LOL! But not to often, right?

"Moving on up"

Here we are, the last 2 weeks in the basement... 

And I must say the first week went pretty fast, but the last two weeks are going slowly. I guess when your looking forward for something, (The day we move to Barrie) the days will go slowly as always, but okay. We manich well down here, ofcource we have sometimes our arguess, and when you want to spend sometime on your own, there is not much space to go to in a small basement.

 About the two oldest, Noor and Cle. Cle is still looking for an au pair cause she wants to travel for a year. The first couple what she was planning to travel to was a faker. With lots of googling and facebooking we found out that the Father and the Mother weren't telling much of the truth. So, that was a NO! I think it's very brave of Cle to travel to a country where she never has been and stay there with a family who she doesn't know (yet) for a year... I'm proud of her! The two next countries where she has contact with are Dubai and England, good luck Cle! 

About Noor, she is planning to go live with her Dad, she really sticks to it. When she is planning something important, she's gonna go for it, that's what I like about her. Although she could use some discipline. BUT the plans has changed, the 'ex' has traveled back to Egypt. (his bussines is there) We thought already where is 'he,' he didn't show up the last 2/3 weekends. So Noor's trip to her Dad's has been chancelled. The 'ex' has to (somewhere in July) show up for a 'court case' it's about paying support for his children. It will be the second visit to the court , cause he's been already for the first time together with Saf, and maybe then 'he' will take Noor with her to Egypt or Hamilton (his house in Canada)

About our moving, all is going slowly and a bit difficult, but it's going. Our landlord is being a bit a pain in the @#$%^. (further details about him in the next writting) I'm still excited for our moving to Barrie and so does Saf. There has to be alot of paperwork arranging, and I wish I could help with that but I'm NOT Canadian. So Saf does most of the paperwork and I help out where ever I can.

About my moods, I must admit I still have them and they won't dissapear. I just have to learn to live with it I guess, it's not so easy sometimes. I really need some attention when I have a mood, I just miss the love sometimes just a hug or a kiss or a arm around me. But it is also not easy for Saf cause she has 5 kids who also need attention, so, yeah. I don't want to overwhelm her with my moods and my search  for attention, sigh! I really gotta find a solution for that... sometimes I have the feeling that she avoids me or ignores me. BUT ofcource she needs some time for herself aswell, and I accept that for sure.

I always say lately 'everything will change when we are in Barrie' ...Untill then I will (try) to take everything with a grain of salt.